My journey to Love

It’s Valentines Day and and some of you reading this might feel so in love, others might feel defeated in love, others heart broken, and others still holding out hope and manifesting.  This is for everyone. This is especially for the woman (or man) or grew up not seeing healthy relationships, who is looking for a little hope, who want to hear my journey to love.

  I want to start by saying that my journey hasn’t been easy when it comes to my love life. I guess it’s one of my souls greatest lessons this lifetime. It took years of me settling and years of toxic relationships. It took me hitting a total rock bottom with dating, relationships, and love and spending a year working on myself and why I was attracting and going after the same type of guys.

Let me give a little background first to my dad cheated on my mom when I was a baby and walked in on it. At 3 years old they divorced and it was nasty…constant fighting, their safe meeting place was the local police station, my mom was always always angry at my dad. My dad re married to a woman named Becky who abused me as a child and when he found it he divorced her. My mom didn’t re marry but she was with a guy I practically called my step dad named Hector until around 19,20 he disappeared and we found out he was living a double life. Some of my friends growing up had parents who were together and a lot had divorced parents, dads who left them, and chaotic home life so to say I saw healthy relationships was very rare.

I don’t even know where to start with my dating life but let’s start with my first boyfriend in high school who broke up with me over myspace chat which was before people could even text so I guess guys have always had a bit of not having enough guts to just do things in person. I was so hung up on this first boyfriend for what felt like forever. I thought it was the end of the world. Oh high school!

Moving forward to the first guy I considered my boyfriend after that high school experience and his name was Michael. Well this entire time I thought Michael and I were an official thing he was actually just seeing or shall I say hooking up with me. He was probably the first guy to start to truly affect me mentally. He had this huge crush on this girl from his college ASU and she was in some group of well known pretty hot girls (I forgot what the group was called) but they were in calendars and all that stuff. Anyways he would show me pictures of her and tell me that I’ll never be as hot. At the time I always compared myself to her. She was super skinny and had long brown hair. I was super skinny but had blond hair so I dyed it brown and yet still he didn’t commit to me and I found myself finding out more and more that I wasn’t the only girl in his life.

Finally I cut that off and then enters my first REAL relationship. His name was Luis. Luis came into my life funny enough on a night that I ran into Michael from above. I was out on the town in good ole hermosa beach which has a strip of bars all along the beach side. Luis bought me a drink and I later ditched him for a random hook up with Michael. I was about 21 or 22 at this time. Cut to weeks later or maybe it was months I can’t quite remember but Luis found me on Facebook and messaged me saying that “I ditched him and owed him a drink” After a few weeks of blowing him off I finally gave in and then the rest was history. Cut to 5 years of being in my first actual in love completely commited relationship.

At first it was so adorable, he would come over and just watch me do my homework. He had just graduated college and was working at a shoe store. I was working retail and studying kinesiology and working towards becoming a personal trainer. We were together through the transition of him getting an internship at a big tech company and me quitting my retail job to start training and teaching barre and fitness classes all over LA. Through those years he climbed the ladder at the tech company and I later opened up my own fitness studio in Redondo Beach. I became a successful business owner and trainer in Los Angeles and he became very high up in his company which led him to lots of happy hours, work dinners, work outings, and traveling the world for work. We started living completely different lifestyles. I was waking up early, teaching and training all day and preparing for the next day at night. He was working all day and then going out all night to happy hours which turned into drunk nights out till the wee hours of the morning. He would go on work trips and stay out late every night and barely call to catch up with me. When we’d go out together we’d get in jealous drunk fights. First the mental abuse started happening of him always being paranoid of what I was doing (because he was always doing the opposite) and constantly making me feel like I’m crazy. If I would do anything with friends he would accuse me of cheating. Then came him commenting on my looks and appearance constantly telling me I dress too risky and shouldn’t dress the way I like to. Then the anger started, I couldn’t do anything right. I would wash the dishes and that would end up in him screaming at me about how bad I was at it, I would make the wrong turn when driving and he’d scream at me, throw a fit, start hitting the car, and even run out of the car as I was driving. Then the physical abuse started. I’m not sure when this all started because it’s kind of all a blur but I just know the anger continued to get worse and that would lead to him throwing me on the floor and hitting me. He would kick me out of his place and there was even a couple times the cops were called on us. Looking back I always ask myself “why didn’t I leave?” but I was scared. He made me feel like I was so ugly and no guy would ever want me. He made me feel like I was crazy and that I was so messed up that no guy would ever want me. He made me feel completely terrified to be alone again. In every possible situation even when we traveled together he made me feel horrible about myself and the anger always came at me stronger. I couldn’t do anything right and I was ALWAYS walking on egg shells. I had extreme high anxiety from wondering why he would turn his phone off when he’d go out, to trying to figure out if he was safe, to not knowing if that day he would threaten to break up with me or if he’d be sweet and loving. I barely slept and I cried myself to sleep pretty much every single night for years. On the outside everyone thought we were so happy. Our closest friends knew we were beyond dysfunctional but of course I didn’t listen and I even lost some friends who were just sick of hearing our shit and me not doing anything about it and I totally get it. Everyone else though, thought we were this happy couple who were so in love year after year. His mom always told me she loved me but knew he had an anger problem and she always said she would understand if I ever want to leave. My mom who hasn’t had any healthy relationships herself including abuse too, she saw him hit me and get angry with me a couple times but she would tell me to stay and that it was better then being alone. Over the years though I felt more and more in my heart that this wasn’t something I could do for the rest of my life.

Through that time we had a break about two years in and I dated the sweetest guy and it probably would have become a healthy relationship but Luis fought hard to get me back telling me he would change and I believed him so I took him back. On top of everything above there were many times I found messages and I never completely caught him in the act but I found a lot of messages that would lead me to believe he wasn’t faithful to me. One day though 5 years later, I can’t explain it but I just woke up and was done. Funny enough it was in Thailand where he finally took me to a work trip and was horrible to me one of the days but of course the next day woke up saying sorry and that he saw marriage and finally moving in together. He had never wanted to live together because he said that “it would take away his freedom.” Anyways once he said all of that it was like my life flashed before my eyes and I was just like “wow I cannot and will not do this for the rest of my life.” Something inside completely shifted and it was even hard for me to stay attracted to him at this point it was crazy.

Of course though I didn’t leave and we got back home and he said he was a changed man. Did anything change though? big nope. He continued to go out and we barely spent any time together and so right before Christmas was about to come, he came over and asked to go on another “break” cue eye roll. He told me that he didn’t understand why he treated me the way he did and that he thought he loved me but was confused why he would treat someone so bad that he loved. I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore. And that was it. I was done. I broke up with him and it felt like a weight had been lifted.

To say I felt amazing was an understatement but I had spent majority of my 20’s in a relationship and when I became single again…all my single friends had somehow met the one and were all starting to settle down and get married. I didn’t think I’d end up here almost 30 and alone.

So what happened next? Funny enough the next day after breaking up with my ex I attended a Christmas party for SouthBay Magazine to represent the fitness studio I owned and I met this guy named Nate. It was one of those situations where we started talking and it felt like we had known each other forever. From there it went from 0-100 real quick in many ways. We started hanging out every day and we thought we were soul mates. I was never the “love at first sight”person but this was definitely a deep soul connection. Later I found out we had many past lives together. Long story short what started out amazing ended up in finding out he was slowly becoming addicted to cocaine. One night I was sleeping at his house and he went out in the middle of the night and forgot I was there and brought another girl home and then didn’t even remember it happened the next day. You would think I would have left then but I didn’t. The final straw was my birthday when he made out with about 5 different women all in front of me. This was after telling his mom that I was the one. I never spoke to him again after that.

Do you know what happened after this? Luis came back. No we didn’t get back together. He asked to talk to me and we had dinner and he cried and cried and cried. He wanted me back and said it was the worst mistake of his life. At that moment I thought of all the times I took him back and gave him chances and I didn’t have it in me to do it again. I told him I didn’t see him the same and I told him all about Nate (like I said, sometimes I’m too honest) and that destroyed him to know I had moved on so fast. We tried to stay friends, I even helped him with his next girlfriend (who cheated on karma much?) but eventually he sent me crazy text messages saying how could I not be attracted to him anymore and I knew I had to cut that toxicity out for good.

Strangely enough, I feel like I bottled up all me emotions from my 5 year relationship and never let myself truly feel the grief of that relationship so when things with Nate went south I felt so depressed. I truly couldn’t move forward it took me so long. I had to get reiki and energetically cut the cord with him to finally get some relief. I feel in a way because I jumped into something so fast that I just never let myself feel so when that crashed and burned I just felt almost lost.

Now lets talk about Aaron. I had always wanted to live on Kauai. When I went to Kauai with my ex I felt like it was meant to be my home and I just knew it was a huge part of me. It was my place. One of my best friends decided she wanted to go to Kauai for her birthday so off we went. Here is when tinder entered my life. She was sick the whole trip so she would take Nyquill and fall asleep pretty early so I didn’t know what to do with myself at night when it wasn’t late enough to fall asleep so I downloaded Tinder. Two guys I matched with were Aaron and Randy. I had easy convo with both of them and though I never met up with them because I wasn’t about to ditch my friend for a date hello! I messaged with them the whole time I was there. I left Kauai knowing I was going to move there but not sure when.

When I got back home I talked to Randy pretty much every single day but then Randy got a girlfriend so that fizzled out. Aaron was still keeping in contact and randomly told me he was coming out to California for a bachelor party and would love to come to my area and meet up. Well I picked him up from the airport and it was just so easy from there. He was so easy to talk to and it just all felt right. We ended up spending a couple days together and I felt sad when he left back to Kauai. We kept talking and that led to him inviting me out to visit him on Kauai.

And here is when stuff gets crazy. So I book my trip to Kauai and we talk everyday but then slowly I start to notice he is getting more and more distant. I reach out to him but he tells me he just has a lot going on and that he’s excited for me to come out. Meanwhile during all of this Randy comes back into my life. His girlfriend and him broke up and I’m an extremely honest person so I tell him all about Aaron and how I am coming out to Kauai but it’s to see Aaron. Randy and I decide we are just friends and we start talking as friends. It’s Christmas time and my flight is in January and Aaron’s birthday is in December along with Christmas. We are still talking everyday but then Christmas comes along and I notice he doesn’t say anything to me. I reach out and wish him a merry Christmas and he replies but is very short and I could just tell something is off. New Years comes along and he’s even more distant, my flight is in a. week to go see him and then he drops the news on me. He met someone else and it’s serious and he can longer have me stay with him…. I’m crushed. I tell Randy I’m crushed and heart broken and I tell my mom and friends and wonder do I still go to Kauai. I decide that I this will be my first trip to Kauai alone and that I should still go and make it my own trip and my first solo trip in general.

Well it gets crazier… I go to Kauai and I make friends right away and everything is amazing! My first day there I post a pic of myself on the beach rocking my bikini and tan and happiness and guess who messages me? Yep…Aaron.  Aaron writes me a long message about how he isn’t seeing someone anymore and he feels horrible about everything and the least he can do is take me on a hike to a waterfall to make it up to me. I don’t know what part of my brain was working at that moment but all I could think of was waterfall and I said yes. It’s one of those moments I like to think back on and want to slap myself! Anyways so we go hiking to the waterfall, swim round, go to lunch, have a long talk, and then he tells me that his work holiday party is that night and he would love for me to be his date. I ask him again about the girl he met and again he tells me she’s out of the picture. So again not sure what I was thinking but I go to his holiday party. Well I end up staying with him and the morning comes along and I have to drive his car because get this (he has a breathalyzer on his car) and I drive up to my rental car to drop myself off and we hug and I say something about how I’m going to be there for 10 more days and he answers with “I have work everyday.” I knew it. I knew from that exact moment that he was a liar. I actually didn’t find out months later till I actually later moved to Kauai and met the girlfriend but he cheated on her with me. At first when I met her she hated me because I guess she heard about it and knew about me. He later cheated on her again (I think multiple times) with other women and then she finally reached out to me and I was able to tell her my side, and now her and I are cool.

Meanwhile after that whole thing I decide to make the rest of the trip about me. I talk to potential jobs, I meet tons of people, I am having an awesome time and then Randy asks to meet up. We met up on the beach and at first I couldn’t even tell if we were just friends or actually had a connection as I didn’t really see him that way the whole time we were talking. I realize we have major chemistry and then next thing I knew we had a thing going on. Flash forward to me going back to California, now Randy and I are talking all day everyday. This was completely different than Aaron. Randy and I are having long conversations literally lasting the entire day everyday. I feel like I am talking to my boyfriend. My birthday comes around and he sends me flowers, we start sending videos to each other. He knows I’m making moves to move to Kauai and we talk about how amazing it will be to finally be together. Flash forward to me moving to Kauai 6 months later. I can’t move into my place until the following week so he offers for me to stay with him. Everything is great or so I think but next thing I knew about 3 days in… he Facebook messages me ending things with me .

I was shattered and confused. 6 months had gone by of us forming this long distance dating but we both weren’t seeing anyone else and I’m lost as to why he’s ending things and why over Facebook message. I decide I need to just focus on adjusting to Kauai and making new friends and settling in. A week or so goes by and Randy reaches out again telling me that he was scared and that he didn’t mean to push me away. Let me tell you right now that when those first red flags come through take them seriously and RUN. I tell all my girlfriends now because they do not change. Well I take him back and then 6 more months of us exclusively dating goes by. Throughout the entire time though he is telling me that he isn’t sure I am “the one” and that he is waiting to feel a feeling of “the one” Looking back he was beyond selfish, he was a golf pro so I would spend all my time off watching him golf and I would stay at his place in Haena and have to wake up hours before teaching my spin classes to drive to the way other side of the island. He never cared to come to my place and never wanted to do any activities I wanted to do. We went camping and I knew all of his friends but he had no desire to meet or hang with any of mine. So what ended up happening?

This was my biggest heartbreak to date. When I was in it I thought that this could potentially be it. I didn’t see how selfish he was until shit hit the fan. I was under that fresh what I thought could potentially be love spell. I don’t even know but I never expected what happened next…..

I got pregnant. Now when this happened (the getting pregnant part) he actually joked about me being pregnant and right away I told him that’s not funny at all and we immediately bought a plan B test. I took the plan B and the next month came and I noticed I was late but having spotting, sensitive boobs, all signs of the plan b pill. It got to the point we were getting worried so he brought a test over and sure enough I was pregnant.

From there it was the worst experience. I have never wanted kids but some motherly instinct came over me and I felt ready. He told me he didn’t’t see himself marrying me.  he would tell me that this is ruining his life, sometimes he would come over and just hold me and we wouldn’t say anything.  All of this while pregnant and not being able to tell a soul that I’m going through any of that put me in such a depressed state. I wasn’t eating, I shut everyone out including my closest friends and family, I would just teach, go home and cry every day. My body was beyond in a. stressed state and so later…I lost the baby. He actually came to the hospital with me and we both cried and that was the first time I ever saw him have emotion. He wasn’t crying about the baby though, he was crying because he finally saw how hurt I was. Right after, I found out that he was cheating and another girl was flying out to Kauai to see him. After that he left my life and it wasn’t until months later that he reached out and apologized. I was broken, I suffered from post partum depression, I felt suicidal and he abandoned me even as my friend and the only person who knew what I was going through. Outside of my dads death, this was the hardest time of my life. I had to completely rebuild after this.

Do you want to know the worst part though? I took him back. We started seeing each other again and we both felt like this magnet that both couldn’t stop. For some reason I thought it was different and maybe that whole thing had made him had a realization. Everything was great…..for a week..and then he told me he had met someone again. A new girl started at his work and he wanted to pursue things with her. I got screwed over again. I couldn’t even play the victim because at that point I was just dumb. I started going to therapy. I was done with attracting the same guy over and over. I was done with dating narcissists. I needed to heal whatever part of me was attracting this.

My therapist had me read a book called Attached and I realized that I always attracted avoidant attachment styles and that I myself was an anxious attachment and what I needed to work on was becoming secure and also attracting a secure.

Next enters Matt… oh Matt. He actually saw me at a Christmas party but didn’t talk to me and about a month or so later decided to DM me. I don’t usually fall for those dm’s but he seemed really genuine and sincere so I agreed to go on a date with him. The date was amazing and we lived on opposite sides of the island so we started to talk on the phone every day/night. We had really powerful deep conversations and I told my therapist about him. She felt like he was a secure guy. Our birthday was the same weekend he was turning 35 and I was turning 30. My friends all flew out from California and came out to Kauai and while it was mostly a girls trip, I had planned a dinner for all my friends to come and invited him. He told me he was so excited to celebrate and then just never came… I was so confused. Then he just ghosted me. On my actual birthday I was at the beach and randomly saw him there (small island) and he acted like nothing was wrong. My friends had all just left back to Cali and I had already had my birthday dinner but no plans for my actual birthday. He offered to take me out to dinner. Again another one of those times I want to smack myself. I said yes and rushed home to change and get ready. After I was all ready I called him and…..nothing. Nada. He never messaged me again, never called me, completely bailed, ditched, and ghosted me..on my actual birthday. My therapist said sometimes avoidant attachment styles come off as secure in the beginning and then their true colors come out. Great lesson.

Months later I decide to leave for Bali. My friend from Kauai told me about a guy living in Bali who used to live on Kauai and was her good friend so I reached out and we decided to meet up. Enters Nate…. Nate was probably the most beautiful man I had ever “dated” he took me all around Canggu in Bali and we spent all day everyday together. It was just easy and natural. One day  the chemistry came out and we slept together. We were both in a place we weren’t just sleeping around or dating random people so we talked about it the next day and we both agreed that we had feelings for each other. We kept hanging out and then came him telling me that he wasn’t;t attracted to me. Ooooo I can feel how awful it felt even writing this. We were kissing and things were getting heated and he straight up said he wasn’t really attracted to me and that I wasn’t his type. Now I don’t know about you but this just isn’t something that feels good AT ALL and left me feeling really low. At the end of the day it was a blessing because I realized ok I am not in Bali to meet a guy and I am not in Bali to be all sad over a guy telling me I don’t look like his type which by the way he told me his type was women who pretty much look like barbie, big boobs, tall, and long blond hair. I ended up having the most amazing solo trip and I think I needed to go through that to become stronger in who I am.

After that began my year of being single and sticking to it. Sure I went on dates and had little things here and there but I was sticking up for my worth. I made a list in my phone of what I wanted in my partner and as soon as I saw a red flag or something that didn’t align with my values and my list, I was out. I focused on healing myself. I lived and traveled the world. I lived in Costa Rica for a bit and had a fling with a guy in Costa Rica but nothing serious. Still my focus was on myself. For the first time in my life I was putting myself first.

I went on my birthright trip to Israel and I loved Israel so much that I decided to stay and extend my trip. I was getting coffee and sitting at this park when I noticed a guy sitting next to me. I’m not even sure how we started talking but we did and next thing I knew we were talking for hours. His story intrigued me because he was an American from New York who had been living in Israel for about 5 years and was a citizen. We exchanged numbers and as soon as I got back to my air Bnb he suggested that this wine shop across from his house was having a happy hour and if I would like to join for some lunch. I said why not so I joined. Well just like my other stories from then it went to us hanging out every day. I ended up extending my trip and stayed with him a week. It all sounds crazy but let me tell you this was different from all the rest. I had done so much self work on myself and the type of guys I let in/ attracted. I was being upfront and honest about what I was looking for and that I wasn’t into just a fling or hook up and he was the most honest guy I had ever dated. His name was Joel. Joel was honest, blunt, and was looking for the exact same. He was ready to settle down and we had honest and open conversations and I told him there was potential for me to move to Israel. When I stayed with him, everything felt natural and easy and when it was time for me to leave we both cried and we were crushed. We had a talk abut keeping things going so we agreed I would come back and visit and we would stay in touch. I left it out to the universe to decided our fate. We stayed in touch and I was going to fly back out to Israel right away but a lot of things came up. I had to fly back to Kauai and Costa Rica. His dad was getting sick and potentially had cancer. So I kept pushing back my trip and just like the Aaron situation, I started to feel a distance. The difference was we would talk and I would tell him I felt a distance and he would assure me that everything was fine he was just stressed with work. I wasn’t afraid to express my feelings though. I consistently expressed myself anytime I felt like something was off. Eventually I booked my trip back out to Israel and then right after booking he sent me a message telling me that he has become closer to a girl he’s known for awhile and that the distance with me became too hard and he was going to pursue a relationship with this other girl.

I was shocked and wasn’t shocked at the same time because I had a feeling that he was still talking to others as we had only spent two weeks together that’s not enough to say we are exclusive or even put any labels. Still in a way I was sad because I was still coming out to Israel. I was also proud of myself because I was authentic and wasn’t afraid to tell him how I felt. We actually had a long conversation after that and he truly did care about my well being. At this point I honestly surrendered. I surrendered to the thought of being alone and that my path wasn’t to have the love but maybe it was just to love myself and discover myself and my career. I no longer cared to try, look, or even date. I say this not in a negative way, I was just very focused on myself and not settling.

Then enters Niko… I was back in California and it was about two months out from Israel. I randomly posted on my Instagram that I was looking to shoot with a videographer for my website. That same day I received a message from a videographer in my hometown saying that he’d love to collaborate. We started messaging back and forth and we were really vibing on our ideas. We decided to meet in person to talk more about our first shoot. Now there was NO flirting and the idea of anything more then business didn’t even cross my mind.

We meet at coffee cartel a local coffee shop and what was supposed to be a maybe 15-30 minute meeting turns into hours of talking about life, self growth, ideas, everything. I remember leaving that meeting and thinking how I wish Joel would have had those deeper conversations with me and how I hope to meet a guy like Niko. Still I only thought of him as someone I’m working with and that we would never cross that line.

Somehow we end up messaging back and forth on Instagram. It was pretty consistent and sometimes a day or two would go buy but again it was mostly us talking as friends getting to know one another, nothing flirty. We shoot our first video and I felt a vibe but I wasn’t sure if I was thinking crazy or not. He invited me to a clients white party and I figured this is my chance to maybe see if we both have a crush or if we are just friends… Well the white party never happened because Niko got really sick so I figured there was my chance to figure things out and we were just meant to be friends.

The funny thing was I was telling everyone I had a crush on him but didn’t show it at all to him. I ended up asking him to take him to dinner because I wanted to thank him for the video we filmed. We went to dinner and he opened the car door for me, opened the door for me, pulled my chair out, and paid for dinner. I was confused now. We had a great dinner and then we walked the Redondo pier but he didn’t try to kiss me so again I figured just friends. When he took me home he hugged me for a long time and nothing. Then I started to walk away and he asked for one more hung…so I thought here it is…but still nothing!

During dinner we talked about his birthday coming up and we joked about going to Disneyland together because I was too afraid of Knotts Scary Farm. About a week or so later it was getting closer to his birthday and he mentioned if we were going. I got excited but didn’t show it  and agreed to go. It’s so funny to look back on because we were both so nervous, we were at Disneyland together as if we were a couple but we weren’t. Every so often my arm would maybe graze him or something but still nothing more. Let me tell you though we really got to know each other this day. We spent the entire day together, stood in 3 hour lines where we checked our birth charts to see how compatible we were (we are extremely compatible), and we just really got to know each other that day. Later that night we watched the water light show at California Adventure and I thought ok maybe this is the moment but still he didn’t make a move. I’m telling you I thought maybe he would put his arm around me or something but nothing. In fact I looked to see where he was and he wasn’t even close to me. I was like alright we are just friends and thats it.

After Disneyland he was taking me home and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he still didn’t make a move. I was beyond confused what was happening. I was dog and house sitting so I asked him if he wanted to come in and hang for a bit. Yep I was the one making moves. He came inside and then finally kissed me after starring at each other for what felt like forever.Apparently from the moment he saw me at the coffee shop he thought I was so gorgeous and felt like I would never go for him. He also was extremely nervous which is why it took him SO long to make a move. We still joke and laugh about it today.

 We are now together, I still went to Israel for a month might I add, and we talked everyday, I still went to Costa Rica and we talked everyday. On Christmas we became official. It never felt hard, I never had anxiety about what we are, it flowed, and we just naturally fell in love.

When he told me he loved me he called me and sang Stevie Wonder “I just called to say I love you” and it was the sweetest moment.

The difference was in the past I would have been scared to leave and go on my solo trips over anxiety I’ll lose the guy but I trusted him, I trusted myself, I trusted the process and I was in full surrender. Honestly when I went to Israel I was having feelings afraid of what this could be and being there and us face timing daily allowed us to get way closer from afar without extra pressure. It allowed me to open up more, to figure out why I was feeling afraid, and what more I needed to heal within as well. When I came back from to Cali he picked me up from the airport with flowers and a big sign with my picture on it and I knew that there was nothing to be afraid of.

There has been honesty and strong communication and we both have had triggers caused from past relationships come up but we’ve talked through them and with love and support behind those conversations unlike anger and ego like in my past relationships.

The funny thing is you might think this article is about how I found love with Niko but actually its about how I found love with myself. From the moment Luis and I broke up I was a lost soul. I had put my entire identity into Luis and I had no idea who I was after him. I knew my passion and my career but as far as me at my core I didn’t know, I didn’t recognize myself anymore. After Randy ad losing the baby, I was even more broken, I even tried to end my life I was so depressed. From that first moment with breaking up with Luis it took 4 years up to this point that I’m writing this now. During that 4 years it was me constantly putting my happiness in another, self sabotage, going after narcissists, avoidant attachment styles, men who didn’t respect me , who didn’t value me, who weren’t faithful, and who were completely afraid of commitment and especially talking about dare I say FEELINGS.  I had to hit rock bottom with love, with myself, stop my self sabotaging habits, and go on a journey to find myself again. When I spent the year traveling and soul searching I had to heal my inner child, my trauma, I had to let myself grieve my ex and that relationship and that entire huge portion of my twenties, I had to grieve the death of my father who I never fully grieved as I numbed myself with alcohol and partying and friends, relationships, and sex. I am FAR from perfect but I got to a place of truly having respect for myself and my body and who I let into my space and spend my energy with, I valued myself and I wasn’t tolerating any toxicity or toxic behavior. After that year..that’s when Joel came in and I truly believe he came in to show me that an honest guy exists and then he was meant to exit my life so that something way deeper can come in and that was Niko. He doesn’t complete me because a partner shouldn’t. They are your partner and an addition to the self love you already have for yourself. They make you a better person but don’t complete you. I will say what I thought was love in the past never was. I have never felt a love like this, I have never felt a connection that feels so deep, and I have never met someone so open to talking about everything and truly loving me for who I am and what makes me…ME.

At the end of the day I’ve realized the most important thing is the love for yourself and the continuing relationship you have with yourself and continuing to work on it because stuff will continue to come up, and we are constantly healing and growing but at our core is love and without the love for ourself we can’t get through anything. We can’t be our best self in a relationship with another, we can’t go after our dreams fully, we need to constantly work on that love for ourself.

Happy Valentines!



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